most nights i hardly sleep
by skyparents
Summary: the ark isn't a playground anymore, it's a cage. this is fitting, you think. birds perch in cages. you read about ravens in school, their symbolism. the magnificent black birds don't exist here, and you're never going to see one that isn't in an old picture. you are the only raven in space. / basically a character study up to the pilot.
**NOTES** / _Okay, so like I did with Abby's, I'm essentially editing my Raven app from an RP based on The 100 – the site is AU after the dropship lands, so this only goes up to the pilot. It's based on what we know of her history, plus what I added myself, headcanons, stuff like that. It's organized in a very sectional sort of way, because I wrote it by looking at the symbolism of ravens in various cultures (some of them are crazy accurate for her). The overarching theme is mostly about light/darkness, based on the Native American mythology of the raven bringing light to the world. Anyway, I hope you guys like it!_

* * *

 **DEFINE: RAVEN**

 _Ravens represent courage, self-knowledge, the power of thought, playfulness, creation, rebirth, renewal, and the ability to tear down what needs to be rebuilt._

There are many ways to describe you, Raven Arabella Reyes, and _happy_ is not one of them.

It doesn't start out that way. You are an energetic little girl, the kind that never stays in one place, the kind whose eyes shine bright like they can reflect entire constellations if you only look up. You don't have to look far; the stars are closer than they were for the humans who used to live on the ground.

The Ark is your playground, and you are always moving through it. Slowing down isn't something you know how to do, and it isn't something you're interested in learning, either. You're too busy. There's too much to explore, too much to see. You mentally map out every inch of the Ark that you can set foot into, shining a bright light into every corner you can find.

You read about ravens in school. They symbolize a million different things, some that you can see when you look in the mirror and some you can't. The magnificent black birds don't exist here, and you're never going to see one that isn't in an old picture. You are the only raven in space.

* * *

 **DEFINE: LOSS**

 _Because ravens are scavengers, they have been associated with death in some Native American mythology. In many European countries, this symbolism also extends to sadness and loss._

You're only four when the darkness starts to settle in. It starts in the corners of the room where your father gets sick, trails after him through Mecha Station while they carry him on a stretcher to medical. You're too young to really understand this, and nobody has the time to explain it to you until he's already gone.

The darkness spreads everywhere your mother steps after that. It follows her around the apartment, inky footprints on the floor, and seeps out from each one like water on the bathroom floor. It follows her down the halls like thin tendrils of smoke curling through the air in her wake.

You think she notices it, too. Maybe that's why she starts trading your food for moonshine. Maybe it lets a little bit of light into her life.

* * *

 **DEFINE: SHAPESHIFTER**

 _Ravens are seen as magical beings, shapeshifters. In Native American mythology, the bird is a trickster: Childish, selfish and sly._

The Ark isn't a playground anymore, it's a cage. This is fitting, you think. Birds perch in cages.

You learn to hate the metal of the Ark that keeps you here. The darkness rebounds off the walls and reflects off the floors.

Your mother trades your rations for her light. Sometimes her own, too. Maybe the moonshine takes the edge off for her, but you deal with the side effects of not eating. The hollow feeling in your stomach, the tremors in your fingers and the inability to focus that make it difficult to sit still in class. It takes too long to fall asleep and not long enough to wake up. You spend too much time staring at the darkness swirling on the ceiling above you at night. You run your fingers through your dark hair and some of it falls out each time. Your anxiety rises, swells, becomes normal. You feel cold, you feel dizzy, you feel weak.

* * *

 **DEFINE: CREATION**

 _In Native American mythology, the raven is the creator of the world, bringing light to the darkness._

But it's not you, it's Finn.

He's the boy next door, and he sits next to you in Earth skills and math. He notices your how your shakiness makes it hard to hold a pencil and how he never sees your mother, and so he knocks on your door one night and asks if you want to come over for dinner.

It's not like either of you are eating enough, now. You feel guilty when you see Finn's fingers shake later, or when he looks tired. He never tells you he's hungry; just splits his rations and passes you half the food. He starts checking in with you, asking how you're sleeping, how you're feeling.

You grow closer to him over time. Finn becomes your family; you see him more than your mother. He learns details about you, remembers your birthday when your mother doesn't even come home on those days. And you learn details about him – you become familiar with his recklessness, his need for adrenaline, his jokes that play off yours like fireworks. It takes longer than it should for you to fall in love with him, but it happens, eventually. You're fifteen when everything changes, when you're not _just friends_ anymore.

Finn Collins chases away the shadows, the darkness. He's your moonshine.

* * *

 **DEFINE: FREEDOM**

 _In Greek mythology, the raven is a symbol of good luck, and a messenger to different worlds. Birds are typically thought to represent freedom: They can walk, swim, soar away into the sky._

You're going to be a zero-G mechanic. You can go outside, get out of your birdcage and grow wings and fly away. The Ark will be less like a prison if you can escape sometimes.

And so you do everything you can to prepare. You wear the raven necklace that Finn gives you for your eighteenth birthday and get the first perfect score on the exam since the beginning of the Ark, and just as they're about to open the door of your cage, they find a heart defect on your physical. So your cage door stays locked.

But Finn steals the key. He lets you out of your cage and it's everything you dreamed it would be.

Until it loses three months of oxygen. When Finn tells you to give him the suit, you don't understand – but you are eighteen. You'll be floated if they catch you. Finn will be put in lockup, given a review in ten months when his birthday comes along. So he takes the spacesuit, and you run.

Sinclair overrules your rejection because of your test scores, takes a chance on a zero-G mechanic with a heart murmur. So Finn being arrested, it was all for nothing. You whisper that you're sorry in his ear the first visitation day that you go to see him in the Skybox, but he just tells you it's okay. You begin to live in fear that when he turns eighteen, he'll fail his review and be floated for trying to give you what you wanted, what you ended up getting anyway.

There are many ways to describe you, and _happy_ is not one of them. You're not happy. Maybe you never have been. Your Raven Arabella Reyes, and you're just a little bit broken. But you can take so much more.


End file.
